Trauma and Awareness- From a Relationship and Attachment Perspective

Types of Trauma and Awareness

From a Relationship and Attachment Perspective

By Jen Zajac, MFTI#73826

Supervised by Jennine Estes, MFT#47653

 A traumatic experience can be devastating, and can have serious emotional impact on an individual and how they emotionally attach to others. If left untreated, trauma can resurface unexpectedly in many areas of an individual’s life. In my work with couples I see that trauma, in the current relationship or prior to, can cause blocks in bonding and leave a partner confused about how to repair the bond.

The first step to repairing trauma is awareness. Below are different types of trauma and a brief description of how they may appear in relationships and/or effect secure attachments. Keep in mind that because discussing a traumatic experience opens an individual up to vulnerability, it is essential within a relationship that the other partner responds positivity to the trauma survivor opening up about this vulnerability. If you are the one sharing your vulnerable experience, you can gently coach your significant other how you would like to be comforted, such as “I just need to know you are here for me”, or “it means so much to me that you can listen and understand what I’ve been though”. If you are the partner listening in on the traumatic experience, you don’t need to “fix” the situation; being nonjudgmental and providing a safe, comforting environment may be just what your partner needs.

Please note that everyone experiences trauma differently, and the symptoms/effects listed here are not exhaustive and they are described from an attachment perspective.


1. Physical abuse (although physical abuse wounds may heal on the surface, emotional  abuse almost always accompanies physical abuse and takes far longer to heal.): An abused partner may feel isolated, mistrusting, have anxiety, depression, feelings of low self-worth/self-esteem, have signs of PTSD related to the abuse, and may withdraw from future relationships because of trust issues. Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable in ANY relationship

2. Sexual abuse: May have similar symptoms of physical abuse, but may also be accompanied by confused feelings of secure relationship attachments, and may view physical closeness as equivalent to emotional closeness

3. Emotional abuse (including acts of lying, cheating, hostile or attacking comments/language, or withholding important information that is detrimental to the relationship): Can cause an individual to withdraw from relationships as trust has been violated. Can be accompanied by depression, anxiety, low-self-esteem/self-worth, and difficulty maintaining secure attachment bonds as safety has been violated

4. A humiliating or deeply disappointing experience: Lack of trust and/or lack of feeling secure in the relationship

5. Neglect (especially as a child): Difficulty forming trust and secure attachment bonds

6. Serious accident or illness (including serious medical procedure): May cause strain on a relationship especially if view of self or role in the relationship has changed

7. Witness to domestic violence and/or community violence (including gang related violence): Much of the way we learn to form attachment bonds as adults have been learned through our experiences as children. What an individual has witnessed at home as a child (and developed feelings of safety/trust/mistrust) shapes the way we feel about connecting to others as adults

8. School violence (including bullying): There has been a lot of research in the media that points out how devastating bullying can be (and it takes on many social media forms as well)- in severe cases some teens have chosen suicide of a means of escape from the hopelessness and depression they have faced

9. Natural or manmade disasters: Traumatic events can challenge one’s sense of safety and security, and any loss can cause fear of attachment as the environment appears unstable

10. Forced displacement: Can also challenge one’s sense of safety and security, and any loss can cause fear of attachment as the environment appears unstable

11. War/terrorism/political violence (common outcome can be PTSD): Can bring up extreme inner fears and flashbacks that interfere with relationships and daily functioning

12. Victim/witness to extreme personal/interpersonal violence (includes homicide, suicide): Challenge’s individuals perception of safety and security, and can cause extreme grief and/or depression

13. Grief/separation (includes loss of a family member, friend, or end of a relationship): Challenges individuals perception of safety and security, and can cause extreme grief and/or depression

14. System-induced trauma (includes removal from a home as a child, foster placement): May cause difficulty in attachments/trust

(List adapted from Georgetown University Center for Child and Human Development online)

Important things to understand about trauma:

Individuals can experience the same event or situation differently, and can develop very different coping mechanisms or defense mechanism as a result. From my attachment perspective, an eating disorder, for example, can develop from childhood sexual abuse- the disorder manifests as a way the individual can seemingly gain “control” of their life.

Prior trauma, such as learned experiences (from parent or sibling relationships, for example), can “teach” someone that a situation or connection is “unsafe”. Individuals learn ways to cope with this based on their experience, and therefore may have blocks to developing secure bonds with others. If an individual experiences relationships that are insecure or if they do not offer comfort or satisfy their needs, it may be more difficult to form healthy, secure attachments where they feel safe openly sharing their needs or emotions. They may have learned that they need to “deal with it” on their own.

However, even if an individual has formed healthy, secure attachments, a “relationship injury”, such as an affair, can cause trauma within a relationship that requires intensive repair work to rebuild trust that has been compromised.

Lastly, trauma that is unrelated to one’s personal relationship connections, such as PTSD from military service or an illness, can cause strain on a couple coping with emotional effects that have now been introduced to the way the couple communicates with each other.

If you or someone you know needs help with a traumatic experience, Emotionally Focused Therapy can help in processing the event and reestablishing secure attachments with others. For more information, you can contact me here.

Estes Therapy Hosts Kids Divorce Support Group: Starting Wed, Feb 12th, 4-5:20pm

The dates and times for the Estes Therapy "Kids Divorce Support Group" has been finalized. The group is scheduled for Wednesdays, from 4-5:20pm starting on February 12th. The group leaders, Jen Zajac and Alicia Roth, will be having one-on-one interviews with parents on Feb 3rd and Feb 5th to develop a deeper understanding of each child's unique needs. To sign up for the group, please contact Jen at JenZajacTherapy@gmail.com

Drug and Alcohol Abuse/Dependance Resources

Drug and Alcohol Abuse/Dependence Resources

January 13, 2014

Drug or alcohol abuse/dependance can create a confusing and seemingly out-of-control spiral that has profoundly negative effects on one's life. If you need more information on specific drug effects or treatment centers, refer to this website for helpful, local information: http://www.alltreatment.com/ca

I'd like to share a piece of my profile that addresses the cycle of mental health and substance abuse:

What relationship exists between mental health and substance abuse? What services do you provide for someone suffering with either and/or both?

In my work, I often see the two in a cyclic pattern. When one is dealing with depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or even temporary situational distresses, it is more likely for them to look for comfort or escape with alcohol or substance use. Not only does this create unhealthy coping mechanisms, but the effects of drug/alcohol use also last much longer than the “high” or intoxication. Someone who is an addict has actually rewired their thought processes and ability to make sound choices and decisions. The drug can become the most important aspect of life, and perhaps the only way to “feel better”. Previous goals, aspirations, and relationships fall to the wayside. Prolonged use may increase or cause feelings of depression, helplessness, anxiety, and guilt even if these feelings weren’t present before. 

The counseling services that I provide can help individuals and/or couples develop a healthy way of coping and expressing their deep, primary needs (such as love, belonging, closeness, etc.) either to each other or in healthy outlets.  The goal is to have them improve these healthy outlets instead of turning to a troubling and isolating spiral of substance abuse.

You can view my full profile on this site here.

New Years Resolutions for your Relationship

It's that time of year when people start analyzing themselves and make vows to start anew. New Years resolutions can range anywhere from new diet and health regimens to financial and job-related successes. How many of you think of your significant other in your goals when starting a new plan for success?

I found a list on the web from Couples Connection that outlined some possible steps to take in your relationship when thinking of your New Years resolutions. If you are in a committed relationship, it makes a lot of sense to see your goals as a team effort- our healthy relationships bring us secure emotional attachment, a sense of comfort and well-being, and helps us to meet many other of our primary emotional needs. When things aren't going so well, the distress can be a huge burden.

Although I really did like the list, I would like to address the first statement more in depth as I feel it needs more explanation. The following italicized paragraph as well as the full article can be found here:
http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/new-years-resolutions-for-your-relationship#

1. Let go of the past

The beginning of a new year is a good opportunity to put past arguments to bed. Your relationship will never move forward if you revisit the same old squabbles time and time again; instead of resolving the issue you’ll only build further resentments.

If your partner has made a mistake and apologized then accept their apology and look at ways of building trust in your relationship to reassure each other it won’t be repeated.

Yes, letting go of the past is easier said than done. If letting go of the past for you is letting go of an minor incident or one that occurred before your relationship started (i.e., your partner's past before you were a couple) the above advice may make a lot of sense. However, if it was a major relationship injury that occurred while you were together (an affair, lying, drug or alcohol abuse, etc.) this may be harder to move past, with good reason. The real problem may lie deeper than the actions- when you or your partner turns outside of the relationship for comfort instead of towards you, the attachment bond is weakened. Trust may need to be rebuilt. Safety in the relationship is compromised. Research shows that for one person in the relationship to emotionally move past such an incident, they need to truly see that their partner empathizes with the distress or pain they have been though. They need to see that their partner understands them,  that they have remorse, and can build confidence that the injury will not reoccur. This cannot happen unless there are discussions and a reconnection with their significant other. 

Relationships take work, and just "stuffing" problems away will only make them erupt somewhere else later down the line. Although some conversations may be difficult to have, they are often the ones that really need to be addressed. Take in account your approach to a tender topic; a "squabble" or pointing fingers is not a healthy way to address an injury- try openly sharing your feelings and your need for reconnection to your significant other. Reframing your emotions in a vulnerable way is a much softer approach that is more likely to be met with openness.

Kids Divorce Support Group starting in January

Myself along with therapist Alicia Roth will be running a Kids Divorce Support Group starting in January. The group is for kids between 4th-6th grade, and will run for a total of 10 weeks. Kids will learn coping skills, "normalize" their experience by connecting with peers, and be able to identify their fears and learn appropriate ways to connect with parent(s) though this adjustment period. If you or someone you know may be interested, please email me at jenzajactherapy@gmail.com

Sleeping Peacefully- Melatonin's Benefits and Limitations

I get a quite a few clients that discuss sleep problems with me; they often state that they have “insomnia” and have the misconception that popping a few melatonin pills can cure this. When the melatonin doesn’t work for them, they come to the conclusion that melatonin is ineffective - when actually they don’t fully understand the purpose and uses of melatonin, as well as it’s limitations. The purpose of this brief article is to help explain the benefits and uses of melatonin, in a very simplified manner, and it’s use in conjunction with  proper “sleep hygiene”.

First, it is important to understand sleep hygiene and how that effects melatonin use. No, sleep hygiene isn’t about brushing your teeth before bed, it’s about the proper way to prepare your mind and body for sleep. Sleep hygiene encompasses many areas, from eating, reading, exercise, and light exposure hours before it’s time to hit the sack. In relation to melatonin, we will just be discussing the area of sleep hygiene that relates to exposure to light. For a complete list of proper sleep hygiene, visit http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/getting/overcoming/tips. 

Melatonin is a natural “sleep drug” that your brain produces on its own that helps your internal body clock know it’s time for bed. Melatonin in particular helps your body regulate light cycles only- so drinking 3 cups of coffee and taking melatonin won’t help you. If you have anxiety, and have trouble “quieting” your mind for sleep, melatonin probably won’t have the effect you want either. What melatonin can help you with is if you have been exposed to irregular light cycles- such as working a graveyard shift or traveling across time zones and “being confused” with what time of day it is because you haven’t adjusted to the time differences. It’s not just for long-distance travelers and daytime-sleepers though, we are often exposed to many different types and wavelengths of light that disrupt our natural light/dark sleep rhythms (when days are longer in summer, being exposed to daylight until 8:30pm can mess with this too if you plan to go to bed early). Computer screens, digital clocks, cell phones, and TV all transmit a ‘blue light’ that tells your brain it’s time to wake up instead of it’s time for sleep (warning-using devices when you have trouble sleeping will actually just keep you up longer as it stops natural melatonin production!). It’s hard to completely nix these things in the evening, so taking melatonin can help induce sleep if you have been exposed to any of these things within 2 hours of sleep. However, taking melatonin and continuing to watch TV or use the computer, etc. will just cancel each other out. You can take melatonin an hour before you need to crash out, and during this time cut off your exposure to artificial lights. Dim, incandescent lighting that mimics natural light will not have as strong as an effect on your sleep cycle as florescent lights or devices that transmit blue light. 

The bottom line- Melatonin can be helpful for those with occasional sleep problems due to light exposure, but proper sleep hygiene is what will really help you get those restful zzzzzz’s. 

Self-Esteem

Do you know the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence? Did you learn anything about yourself after taking this quiz?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201112/how-worthy-are-you-10-measures-self-esteem-take-the-quiz